I have a feeling that veteran mommas caught the key word in that sentence, but I know that before I had Sarah Claire, I never would have. Overwhelmed.
I've learned what that means lately.
I'm overwhelmed when I go to bed at midnight, after starting the 3rd load of laundry for the day, doing the dishes, and checking my email, only to have Sarah Claire wake up for the first time at 12:30. Then at 2:00. Then at 3:15. Then at 5:05. And she's ready to be up for the day.
I'm overwhelmed when I put her down for her morning nap and try to make our bed, only to accidentally knock the alarm clock off of the bedside table, and wake her up. Then the process starts all over.
I'm overwhelmed with guilt when I am all out of patience by the time Christopher gets home from work, and I meet him at the door with Sarah Claire, begging for a moment to eat a snack and sit down for 15 minutes.
I'm overwhelmed when I'm bouncing Sarah Claire to sleep, and she picks her little head up off of my chest, and she looks up at me and just stares at me for a moment, and then she smiles as big as she knows how, and then puts her head back down, as content as only a baby can be.
I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes it's with guilt. Sometimes it's with exhaustion. And sometimes it is with the most intense love I think anyone is capable of feeling.
I used to think that research papers were overwhelming, especially if I lost sleep over it. In hind sight, that wasn't so bad.
I used to think that research papers were overwhelming, especially if I lost sleep over it. In hind sight, that wasn't so bad.
I will say that "overwhelmed"is relative. It's not something unique to motherhood; it's just part of life. I am sure it's one of those "it makes us who we are" kind of things, and I feel confident that there are dozens of books in the Self Help section at Books-A-Million that are full of coping strategies, but I'm not buying it- Not the book and not the idea that there is a prescription or a method that works. It's too complicated for that!
I can't wish the magnitude of motherhood away, and if I could, I wouldn't. Not in a million years. As unbelievably difficult as it is some days, it is so, so wonderful. The day I met Sarah Claire was -so far- the best day of my life, and all of the sleepless nights in the world couldn't make me wish things were different.
It's possible, by the way, to want two conflicting realities at once. At 1:00 a.m. I can want to be sleeping soundly and want to be wide awake with Sarah Claire at the exact same time. Accepting the fact that motherhood makes me a walking example of contradictions such as that one has made me feel less crazy. Or care less that I might just be crazy.
Besides, once you have a baby, "normal" changes.
I can't wish the magnitude of motherhood away, and if I could, I wouldn't. Not in a million years. As unbelievably difficult as it is some days, it is so, so wonderful. The day I met Sarah Claire was -so far- the best day of my life, and all of the sleepless nights in the world couldn't make me wish things were different.
It's possible, by the way, to want two conflicting realities at once. At 1:00 a.m. I can want to be sleeping soundly and want to be wide awake with Sarah Claire at the exact same time. Accepting the fact that motherhood makes me a walking example of contradictions such as that one has made me feel less crazy. Or care less that I might just be crazy.
Besides, once you have a baby, "normal" changes.
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